ONE-LINE MOVIE SYNOPSES
A
American Beauty
Synopsis: Suburban family realizes the sterility of their existence and each is forced to lead a secret life of self-pity.
Moral: Try not to become like these people.
Grade: A-
America's Sweethearts
Synopsis: Big time movie stars who appear to be superficial in public turn out to be superficial in private as well.
Moral: Too many big name stars only results in a mediocre film.
Grade: C
Apocalypse Now
Synopsis: Charlie don't surf!
Moral: War is bad.
Grade: A
B
C
D
E
Enemy At The Gates
Synopsis: Soviet army soldier becomes world-class sniper with the help of propagandist journalism friend.
Moral: According to this movie, the battle at Stalingrad was a mere tiff compared to the epic rivalry of a couple of snipers.
Grade: C+
F
Full Metal Jacket
Synopsis: Part 1: Crazy drill sergeant has the time of his life berating his cadets. Part 2: War sucks.
Moral: “Only steers and queers come from Texas”
Grade: A
G
H
I
J
K
L
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
Synopsis: Rich daddy's girl has too much time on her hands so is obviously extremely qualified to save the world as well.
Moral: Angelina Jolie needs to stick to an American accent.
Grade: D
Legally Blonde
Synopsis: Barbie girl breaks all stereotypes by going to Harvard, but then the movie reiterates all other stereotypes of sorority girls, frat boys, and gays.
Moral: Don't go to LA.
Grade: B-
M
The Matrix
Synopsis: Computer hacker realizes he has the ultimate interface: a giant plug in his brain.
Moral: Keanu Reeves is the undisputed king of the phrase, “Whoa.”
Grade: A
Meet the Parents
Synopsis: Guy meets girl, guy wants to marry girl, guy paints a cat to impress the potential father-in-law.
Moral: Rent this movie to watch the airline scenes.
Grade: A-
Memento
Synopsis: Guy tries to find his wife's killer while trying to deal with a complete lack of short-term memory.
Moral: Run far, far away from anyone who has edicts tattooed on his body.
Grade: B+
N
O
O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Synopsis: Crazy chain gang runaways sing their way out of trouble.
Moral: George Clooney redeemed himself with this movie.
Grade: A
P
Q
R
Rear Window
Synopsis: A journalist turned peeping tom investigates what all his neighbors are doing.
Moral: Attractive people who spy aren't labeled perverts; they help the police catch murderers.
Grade: A-
S
Save the Last Dance
Synopsis: A small town girl is forced to live with her dad in the big city, and learns how to talk smack within 10 minutes of getting to her new school.
Moral: MTV is getting closer to making a good movie.
Grade: C+
T
Twister
Synopsis: Kooky tornado-chasing crew meets their well-funded arch nemesis crew at the site of an F5 tornado.
Moral: You will be sorely disappointed when Bill Paxton never says, “Game over man! Game Over!”
Grade: C
U
Unbreakable
Synopsis: Thirty-something man doesn't realize that he's invincible until an art collector asks him if he is.
Moral: M. Night Shyamalan's career started with The Sixth Sense, and ended with Unbreakable.
Grade: C-
V
W
The Wedding Planner
Synopsis: Another story about two people destined for each other, but you can't get into the movie because...
Moral: ...Jennifer Lopez can't pull off the cute girl-next-door to save her life.
Grade: C+